Experiment Is Over

All right ... after I've been away from writing for a while, I'm really trying to get back into it all.  And when I was writing yesterday's post, I realized something.  It is TOTALLY unnatural for me to anonymize my children here.

So, I am going to stop.  Bye Bye "Ballerina" and "Music Man" (but I'm keeping "Big Brother" -- he likes that title).  Hello "Rachel" and "Simon".

That is, when I post here.  When I post on more public forums, I will continue to anonymize my children.  But on my own personal blog, in my own little world, I'm not going to worry about keeping their names out of the stories.  I chose those names because I like them.  And I want to just be able to tell my stories.

So, they're back folks!!!!!!

First Day of School, 2 Weeks Late

2 weeks ago, school started for us.  I became a mother to 2 first graders and a 3rd grader.

I was so excited for this.  I was so happy for them to get back into a routine.  And I needed the break.

Music Man decided the night before school started, that he didn't want to go back.  He seemed excited up until that point.  But in the end, he decided he wanted to stay home.  But we went to his closet and chose his clothes for the next morning.  That seemed to have done the trick.  All 3 kids went to bed excited for their new adventure.

Ballerina was up first in the morning.  She just couldn't wait to put on her skirt and show off her bling!



Big Brother was up soon after and he too wanted to go to school.  He was disappointed that it wasn't time to go quite yet, but he still had over an hour to wait.

Finally, Music Man woke up and was prepared to get ready for a new school year.  His twin sister really tried to drive the enthusiasm.



But finally it was time to head to the car.



Almost the entire school was gathering in the "All Purpose Room", lining up with their classes.  When the bell rang, they had a short "Monday Morning Meeting" and then were dismissed to their respective classrooms.

   

They got through their day.  And they had a good first day.  And, at the end, I was waiting for them and they were happy to be picked up!

 

And we finished off the day with a trip to The Little Gym of Germantown for Rachel's first Hip Hop class.  Immediately after class, they had a special "Welcome Back to School Party!"  What a great way to end the first day of school!!!!!

The Battle in my Head

Monday (tomorrow) is the first day of school.  Big Brother is starting 3rd grade and Ballerina and Music Man are entering 1st grade.  All 3 are still in the same school and I think all of them are looking forward to the return of routine.  And for the last week or so, we have been doing the normal "preparing" for another school year.

Before the end of last year, I had a conference with Music Man's teacher.  I knew he was struggling in most ways (non-academic) and I asked the question if he needed to repeat kindergarten.  I was wondering if he had the social maturity to advance with his classmates.  His teacher explained that he was definitely ready to move on to first grade and that she truly believed he was going to be successful. That year, her class was a combined kindergarten/first grade class (8 kindergarteners, 3 1st graders).  I followed up that first question if she thought she would keep Music Man in her class should she have a combined class again.  And she told me that she didn't believe so.  The way it was determined who would stay with her and who would move to the other teacher for that year indicated that Music Man would be moving on.  And, at the time, she wasn't sure if she would have any first graders in her classroom (she's basically a kindergarten teacher after all).

But as the year was about to end, she brought Music Man to the car and mentioned that it appeared that they were getting more kindergarteners for the Learning Center than one teacher could teach adequately.  In this 5 minute conversation, she indirectly suggested that she may keep Music Man in her class after all for first grade, should she have a combined class again.  She felt, at that time, that he may benefit with another year in her classroom (but he would still be a first grader).

On Thursday, she called me.  She wanted to inform me before I saw it through other means that she would be Music Man's teacher again this year.  When I first heard this, I was THRILLED.  This is a teacher that he knows and likes.  He understands what she expects from him and he already knows what he can get away with and when she will put her foot down (for the record, he can't get away with much of ANYTHING).  Her reputation is untouchable, and the reputation is well earned.  We saw a great deal of growth in him all year long and, despite still having many issues that we need to address, we felt he had a very successful year last year.  And they did this combined class just last year, so I knew that the teachers and staff were comfortable handling the transitions that are necessary (as the first graders are more integrated with the general education students than the kindergarteners).

But the more I think about it, the more I am concerned.  I'm still 10000% thrilled that she's his teacher, but I wonder about the thought process that made her keep him in her classroom.  He is very bright and more than satisfies the criteria to be a first grader.  That isn't in question.  But he is very big for his age (not just tall) and he will definitely stick out in this classroom of younger students.  Does he care?  Absolutely NOT.  He doesn't notice anything that has any social context to it.  From a social standpoint, he's probably closer to a 3 year old than a 6 year old.  He is very much an isolationist (if you can call a child by that description) and really has no desire to have friends or peer interactions.  He is a bit of a challenge with his behaviors and his phobias and the kindergarteners in the classroom may be better choices for his peers than the first graders that were in his class last year.

Once again, I need to learn to put my own perception of things to the side and try to see things from my child's point of view.  He will still do his thing and will be quite successful I have no doubt.  And 2 years with this teacher is a prize that I cherish.  I think that, once I see how things work in practice, I'll be more and more comfortable with this arrangement.

Embracing Helicopter Mom-Dom (Part 1)

When you hear the phrase "Helicopter Mom", what is the first thing you think of?  A parent who hovers over their children, stifling their opportunities at independence?  Preventing them from standing up on their own?  A parent fighting their child's battles?

Or do you see an advocate?

Lately, I have come to realize that it's both.

This has been a summer of self-reflection for me, and the way I deal with my children and their activities.  Big Brother has Dad looking out for him at most of his extra-curricular activities (sports, in particular).  But swimming is my thing.  I'm the one who pushes all 3 of my kids to participate on the swim team and use that opportunity as a chance to teach them this important life skill.  And I had several conversations with their coach this year.  And, after each one, I thought about how she likely perceived me to be.

For Ballerina and Music Man, I think she recognized that I was just trying to be sure that they weren't being excluded unnecessarily.  But I was willing to work with her.  If she didn't feel they were ready for something, there was no questions asked.  And we learned quickly that Music Man didn't like away meets and so we didn't push for anything when the meets weren't at our own pool.  But she was willing to have Ballerina try to race in a freestyle race when I requested this, and she was successful.  The last day of racing, she swam both of her races completely independently (with an older swimmer in the next lane ready to help should the need arise).  And Music Man......he did as we expected.  He got through the season.

But in some of our conversations, Big Brother's name came up.  He had a personal goal and I wanted to be sure that the coach was aware of it.  And I wanted to be sure that he understood why things weren't progressing as he would have liked in most circumstances.  So, I had to figure out when it was my responsibility to speak up for him and when to send him to talk to her for himself.  I'm not sure if I was completely successful.  I started by having him go to her and ask these things but he never came back with satisfactory answers, at least from his perspective.  So, I felt I had to jump in.  I never questioned her actions or her responses.....I just needed to understand so I could pass on this information to my 8 year old son in a way that he could understand.

But I find myself wondering what the coach sees when she looks at me.  Does she recognize the subtle difference between trying to advocate for my son and making sure he understands so he can continue to work or improve?  Or does she see a meddling parent?  And what do Ballerina's and Music Man's (or even Big Brother's) teachers see when I do the same kind of thing during the school year?  All right....you can say that it doesn't matter what they "see" because these are MY children and I know and understand their needs better than anyone.  But if someone sees you as meddlesome, doesn't that change the way that they work with you?  Don't they become more guarded and defensive of their own positions?

So, I'm a "Helicopter Mom".  I know it.  And everyone who deals with me and my children know it.  And I feel I have to be.  I need to advocate for them and therefore I need to know what's going on and what problems they are having.  And, like any parent, I hate to hear of and deal with all of the problems that they have.  But I would like to think that the people who count recognize that I do this out of love for my children and my desire to have them succeed as they grow.  Big Brother is encouraged to go out and stand up for himself.  But he knows I'm there behind him if things don't work out.  I will come to his aid the moment he asks.  And for Ballerina and Music Man, I am stepping in on their behalf for a while longer.

"Helicopter Mom" isn't such a bad title.

The Teeth are Revealed

I wrote this post for Hopeful Parents.  But, since I haven't been here to write anything much lately, I wanted to share it here as well.

Enjoy!
Ilene

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This week, for the first time, something happened.  I heard another child say something hurtful about my son.


My daughter has a friend who sticks up for her regularly and makes sure that my daughter is included, even when it means fighting with HER best friend.  And many of my daughter's classmates asked me this school year why my daughter is so "weird" (especially in the first half of the year).  That doesn't bother me so much.....kindergarteners are very open and the only way they will learn and understand is to be taught.  When they asked me this questions (and other similar ones), I always told them the truth -- that she doesn't see things in the same way as everyone else.  That she's just has smart as everyone else, but she thinks differently.  There are some things that she does really well, and others that she has to work at, just like everyone else.  But these aren't necessarily the same things as her classmates.


But my son is more alone.  He doesn't have any friends and he shows no interest at this point in making a friend.  And he spends his school days in a self-contained Special Education classroom.  Whenever someone tries to be his friend, he rebuffs the advances and continues to do his own thing.  Three boys were playing.  It was 2 against one, but it was a water gun fight and sometimes that's just the way it goes.  My son was having fun and was asking them to shoot him again.  So, I just sat back and watched.  The only reason he was playing with these boys is because they were shooting him with a water gun, something that intrigued him.  He wasn't doing anything to harm anyone -- just giving them an easy target.  Therefore, when I heard the words come out of this 5 year old's mouth, a barracuda (in my form) jumped back at him.

I informed the child who said this that he was being "mean" and I used the word "bully".  I also asked him how he would feel if someone said these things about him and reminded him of the "Golden Rule".  And, I informed his mother, as she wasn't there to witness what was said, who promised me she would talk with him about what happened and help to bring home the message.  But as I'm writing this a few days later, I'm still seething.  And I know this probably has happened before but I just didn't see it and that it's likely to happen again, even if it's not the same child.

You see, I know that they other kids make fun of my twins in their own ways.  This is what I'm afraid of.  This is what worries me when I send him to school every day.  This is what I fear is happening on the playground.  My daughter, however, has at least this one defender (and I'm confident there are a few more).  However, for my son, he doesn't see these behaviors as wrong......because I don't know if he even realizes that it's happening.  Because he is so much in his own world, I don't know if he will ever notice it.  He certainly has never told me anything about it.  But him not telling me doesn't mean he doesn't notice.  If he truly is oblivious, I have no cause to worry.....what he doesn't know or understand won't hurt him, just the people around him who love and care for him.  But if he does understand.....and doesn't know how to say anything or stand up for himself......that's the worry.

That's why I have entrenched myself as much as possible in the school.  I need to be able to see (without interfering when it's not necessary) what is happening to my children on a daily basis.  I need to be able to have conversations with their teachers and make decisions for my children until they prove to me that they can do this for themselves.

My son is Autistic.  He was initially diagnosed (at 30 months old) as Severe Classic Autism, but since then has learned many skills that make his current doctor question that diagnosis (she calls him a more severe PDD-NOS).  He only seeks input from his family and his teachers (once he feels comfortable with them -- it takes a while).  His behavior is like a 3 year old (even though he's 6.5 years old).  He is verbal, but I wouldn't call him conversational.  Since language emerged at all, he has always been very echolailic.  You usually have to ask him the same question five or six different times and in different ways before you can really trust the answer.  And sometimes, you need to check up on it.  He loves to repeat things that he's seen and is currently obsessed with street signs so he will constantly tell you what street he wants to be on.  He really is his own person and he does his own thing.  And he sticks out in any crowd that he is asked to join.

Bullying is, in my mind, a natural behavior.  By nature, we are pack animals, seeking out peers and doing our best to fit in.  And, just like with wolves (another pack animal), our nature is to seek out those that are weaker and try to keep them out in order to make the pack as strong as possible.  This doesn't end after adolescence....this continues our entire lives.  But as we grow, we understand to appreciate uniqueness.  We have to teach our children this as well.  In our efforts to put an end to bullying, we need to consider that we are asking our children to change a behavior that comes naturally.  That's what makes putting an end to bullying so difficult.  It can be done.....I truly believe that.  But I don't agree with others who say that we teach our children to bully -- they are programmed that way.  We have to teach them to CHANGE the program.

Things ARE getting better.  Kids are learning about the many others around them that are "differently abled" and are learning to be more patient and sympathetic.  But we still have a long way to go.

Finally......a post!

I know it's been AGES since I've written anything.  It's not that things have been quiet.....in fact they've been insanely busy.  But once I take a little time off from writing, I've been finding it VERY difficult to get back into it.  It's kind of been that way all year.

But I do have to share an AMAZING thing that happened this week.  It's about Ballerina.

For those of you who read my posts regularly, you KNOW how worried I was about her entering a general education kindergarten classroom.  And you know that my worries were not unfounded.  You know how many problems she was having at the start of the year to the point where the school was seriously considering changing her placement to be with Music Man.  Then things started to turn around in mid-October or so.

Well, the school year is about to end.  The last day of school is on June 14.  Big Brother was in the 2nd Grade play, "Going Buggy".  There were 3 performances of the play on Wednesday.....two during the school day for their fellow students and one in the evening for the parents who couldn't attend the daytime performances.  I saw the two during the day and watched both Ballerina and Music Man behave well as audience members.  I was very proud.

Dad was planning on taking Big Brother to the evening performance.  To both of our surprise, Ballerina asked to go too.  We saw no reason that she SHOULDN'T go, so Dad took her when the time came.  When she arrived, Dad started sending me texts and pictures.  She immediately found her classmates with older siblings in the show.  She ran over to them and gave them a GREAT BIG hug!!!!  And they played together until the performance started.  They were running up on stage (before the show) and just having a BLAST!!!!!

And when the performance started, she sat down with Dad to watch.  She stayed there quietly for a while, but then decided to sit on the floor in front.....with her FRIENDS!!!!!!  Her behavior was near perfect.  She just decided she would rather experience this moment with her friends rather than her Dad.

This year has been AMAZING for her.  Not only has she done well academically (her report cards are more than acceptable) but she has really started to understand the mechanics of social interaction.  She WANTS to be with her peers rather than her family.  She WANTS to play games (Red Light Green Light being her current favorite).  She loves to "hang out with the girls".  All of these things that I really never thought I would see with her.  I still see no signs of it in Music Man, nor do I ever really expect to.  But with her, it's so nice to see her looking like EVERYBODY else!

I know that people say that you shouldn't work on blending in when you were born to stand out.  And that's all well and good.  But it also puts you at risk for other problems down the road, such as bullying behaviors.  Sometimes, it's good to be part of the crowd.  I still want to see her be her own person.....don't misunderstand me.  But I don't want her to feel alone.  I want to see her fit in with those around her.  And I want to see her achieve success with everything she does.  And it really looks to me that she is on that path right now!

A Quick Post.....

I just want to share with you some of the things that I've been doing this month.  Hopefully, I'll write a longer post in the next few days going into more detail of how I'm spending my Autism Awareness Month, but here's a short view.

First of all, this is the video I made.  It was supposed to be done AGES ago, but I just haven't had the time or the oomph to get it done.  But I got it done in time for World Autism Awareness Day.  Please feel free to share this with others!  I want everyone to see that Autism isn't such a horrible thing....it just is.  But it something that needs to be understood and accepted.  Ignorance helps no one.



Secondly, I contacted Parents Magazine's goody blog shortly before the start of the month.  I wanted to know if they were doing their Voices Of Autism again this year like they have for the last couple of years.  They told me that they weren't but they would be happy to accept a story from me.  And here's what I sent them.  My story was published today.

So, that's it, in a nutshell.  I hope everyone is having a good start to Autism Awareness Month!