The Teeth are Revealed

I wrote this post for Hopeful Parents.  But, since I haven't been here to write anything much lately, I wanted to share it here as well.

Enjoy!
Ilene

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This week, for the first time, something happened.  I heard another child say something hurtful about my son.


My daughter has a friend who sticks up for her regularly and makes sure that my daughter is included, even when it means fighting with HER best friend.  And many of my daughter's classmates asked me this school year why my daughter is so "weird" (especially in the first half of the year).  That doesn't bother me so much.....kindergarteners are very open and the only way they will learn and understand is to be taught.  When they asked me this questions (and other similar ones), I always told them the truth -- that she doesn't see things in the same way as everyone else.  That she's just has smart as everyone else, but she thinks differently.  There are some things that she does really well, and others that she has to work at, just like everyone else.  But these aren't necessarily the same things as her classmates.


But my son is more alone.  He doesn't have any friends and he shows no interest at this point in making a friend.  And he spends his school days in a self-contained Special Education classroom.  Whenever someone tries to be his friend, he rebuffs the advances and continues to do his own thing.  Three boys were playing.  It was 2 against one, but it was a water gun fight and sometimes that's just the way it goes.  My son was having fun and was asking them to shoot him again.  So, I just sat back and watched.  The only reason he was playing with these boys is because they were shooting him with a water gun, something that intrigued him.  He wasn't doing anything to harm anyone -- just giving them an easy target.  Therefore, when I heard the words come out of this 5 year old's mouth, a barracuda (in my form) jumped back at him.

I informed the child who said this that he was being "mean" and I used the word "bully".  I also asked him how he would feel if someone said these things about him and reminded him of the "Golden Rule".  And, I informed his mother, as she wasn't there to witness what was said, who promised me she would talk with him about what happened and help to bring home the message.  But as I'm writing this a few days later, I'm still seething.  And I know this probably has happened before but I just didn't see it and that it's likely to happen again, even if it's not the same child.

You see, I know that they other kids make fun of my twins in their own ways.  This is what I'm afraid of.  This is what worries me when I send him to school every day.  This is what I fear is happening on the playground.  My daughter, however, has at least this one defender (and I'm confident there are a few more).  However, for my son, he doesn't see these behaviors as wrong......because I don't know if he even realizes that it's happening.  Because he is so much in his own world, I don't know if he will ever notice it.  He certainly has never told me anything about it.  But him not telling me doesn't mean he doesn't notice.  If he truly is oblivious, I have no cause to worry.....what he doesn't know or understand won't hurt him, just the people around him who love and care for him.  But if he does understand.....and doesn't know how to say anything or stand up for himself......that's the worry.

That's why I have entrenched myself as much as possible in the school.  I need to be able to see (without interfering when it's not necessary) what is happening to my children on a daily basis.  I need to be able to have conversations with their teachers and make decisions for my children until they prove to me that they can do this for themselves.

My son is Autistic.  He was initially diagnosed (at 30 months old) as Severe Classic Autism, but since then has learned many skills that make his current doctor question that diagnosis (she calls him a more severe PDD-NOS).  He only seeks input from his family and his teachers (once he feels comfortable with them -- it takes a while).  His behavior is like a 3 year old (even though he's 6.5 years old).  He is verbal, but I wouldn't call him conversational.  Since language emerged at all, he has always been very echolailic.  You usually have to ask him the same question five or six different times and in different ways before you can really trust the answer.  And sometimes, you need to check up on it.  He loves to repeat things that he's seen and is currently obsessed with street signs so he will constantly tell you what street he wants to be on.  He really is his own person and he does his own thing.  And he sticks out in any crowd that he is asked to join.

Bullying is, in my mind, a natural behavior.  By nature, we are pack animals, seeking out peers and doing our best to fit in.  And, just like with wolves (another pack animal), our nature is to seek out those that are weaker and try to keep them out in order to make the pack as strong as possible.  This doesn't end after adolescence....this continues our entire lives.  But as we grow, we understand to appreciate uniqueness.  We have to teach our children this as well.  In our efforts to put an end to bullying, we need to consider that we are asking our children to change a behavior that comes naturally.  That's what makes putting an end to bullying so difficult.  It can be done.....I truly believe that.  But I don't agree with others who say that we teach our children to bully -- they are programmed that way.  We have to teach them to CHANGE the program.

Things ARE getting better.  Kids are learning about the many others around them that are "differently abled" and are learning to be more patient and sympathetic.  But we still have a long way to go.

Finally......a post!

I know it's been AGES since I've written anything.  It's not that things have been quiet.....in fact they've been insanely busy.  But once I take a little time off from writing, I've been finding it VERY difficult to get back into it.  It's kind of been that way all year.

But I do have to share an AMAZING thing that happened this week.  It's about Ballerina.

For those of you who read my posts regularly, you KNOW how worried I was about her entering a general education kindergarten classroom.  And you know that my worries were not unfounded.  You know how many problems she was having at the start of the year to the point where the school was seriously considering changing her placement to be with Music Man.  Then things started to turn around in mid-October or so.

Well, the school year is about to end.  The last day of school is on June 14.  Big Brother was in the 2nd Grade play, "Going Buggy".  There were 3 performances of the play on Wednesday.....two during the school day for their fellow students and one in the evening for the parents who couldn't attend the daytime performances.  I saw the two during the day and watched both Ballerina and Music Man behave well as audience members.  I was very proud.

Dad was planning on taking Big Brother to the evening performance.  To both of our surprise, Ballerina asked to go too.  We saw no reason that she SHOULDN'T go, so Dad took her when the time came.  When she arrived, Dad started sending me texts and pictures.  She immediately found her classmates with older siblings in the show.  She ran over to them and gave them a GREAT BIG hug!!!!  And they played together until the performance started.  They were running up on stage (before the show) and just having a BLAST!!!!!

And when the performance started, she sat down with Dad to watch.  She stayed there quietly for a while, but then decided to sit on the floor in front.....with her FRIENDS!!!!!!  Her behavior was near perfect.  She just decided she would rather experience this moment with her friends rather than her Dad.

This year has been AMAZING for her.  Not only has she done well academically (her report cards are more than acceptable) but she has really started to understand the mechanics of social interaction.  She WANTS to be with her peers rather than her family.  She WANTS to play games (Red Light Green Light being her current favorite).  She loves to "hang out with the girls".  All of these things that I really never thought I would see with her.  I still see no signs of it in Music Man, nor do I ever really expect to.  But with her, it's so nice to see her looking like EVERYBODY else!

I know that people say that you shouldn't work on blending in when you were born to stand out.  And that's all well and good.  But it also puts you at risk for other problems down the road, such as bullying behaviors.  Sometimes, it's good to be part of the crowd.  I still want to see her be her own person.....don't misunderstand me.  But I don't want her to feel alone.  I want to see her fit in with those around her.  And I want to see her achieve success with everything she does.  And it really looks to me that she is on that path right now!

Matchmaker Matchmaker Make Me a Match.....

....that's what I feel like right now. I just came back from volunteering in Daniel's classroom and found it an AMAZING experience. Last year I went with the kids to the computer lab where they played games and learned the basics of using a computer. This year I'm working in the classroom, filling in as needed while the teacher is working with the kids in small groups.

I know a few of the kids from last year. And they're a good group of kids. And now I REALLY get to see what is happening in the classroom. I see the independent and cooperative learning that they are doing and still spending the time with the teacher. There were some minor issues for Daniel with me being there (his need to show off, for example), but those will diminish as he gets used to me being there (he's only in first grade, after all). I really had a lot of fun and I am looking forward to coming back next Tuesday to do it again!

But I saw something specific in the classroom today that made me take notice. There is a little boy in the class who sits near Daniel. He's very sweet and well mannered (his chair accidentally tripped Daniel [who wasn't looking where he was going] and he IMMEDIATLY apologized). I was walking around helping people on whatever they were working on and I noticed this child was talking to me but wouldn't look me in the eye. Other little things throughout our conversation made me think that he was on the spectrum, but I can't ask the teacher, nor can the teacher tell me if this were the case. But I strongly suspect.....

Anyway, this boy was telling me about some of his favorite things. Star Wars and Legos top the list. Now, who does this sound like to you? DANIEL!!!!!!! He is OBSESSED with these things!!!!! These two boys would have a BLAST having a play date together. And, if my suspicion is right and this child IS on the spectrum, I would love for him to have a friend that would understand. Daniel cares very much for two children on the spectrum in his brother and sister, even though I don't think he would admit it to many people other than his family. It would help teach Daniel to be more patient and teach him some of the struggles that those on the spectrum experience every day. And it would give this other child, if nothing else, a friend.

And it would potentially give me a new friend/contact/kindred spirit. Autism Moms are often friends, not necessarily because we are the people who we would naturally seek out, but because we have something very personal in common and we share this bond that we never asked for. We learn from each other. We share knowledge more than most other groups I am aware of, because we don't want others to go thru the struggles that we have already dealt with. We want to see those around us continue to move forward rather than backwards.

I still want Daniel to be friends with this boy, regardless of whether he has ASD or not -- as I said, he's a VERY nice boy with many similar interests to Daniel and I think they would have a great friendship.

Gee, I feel like such a matchmaker.