Embracing Helicopter Mom-Dom (Part 1)

When you hear the phrase "Helicopter Mom", what is the first thing you think of?  A parent who hovers over their children, stifling their opportunities at independence?  Preventing them from standing up on their own?  A parent fighting their child's battles?

Or do you see an advocate?

Lately, I have come to realize that it's both.

This has been a summer of self-reflection for me, and the way I deal with my children and their activities.  Big Brother has Dad looking out for him at most of his extra-curricular activities (sports, in particular).  But swimming is my thing.  I'm the one who pushes all 3 of my kids to participate on the swim team and use that opportunity as a chance to teach them this important life skill.  And I had several conversations with their coach this year.  And, after each one, I thought about how she likely perceived me to be.

For Ballerina and Music Man, I think she recognized that I was just trying to be sure that they weren't being excluded unnecessarily.  But I was willing to work with her.  If she didn't feel they were ready for something, there was no questions asked.  And we learned quickly that Music Man didn't like away meets and so we didn't push for anything when the meets weren't at our own pool.  But she was willing to have Ballerina try to race in a freestyle race when I requested this, and she was successful.  The last day of racing, she swam both of her races completely independently (with an older swimmer in the next lane ready to help should the need arise).  And Music Man......he did as we expected.  He got through the season.

But in some of our conversations, Big Brother's name came up.  He had a personal goal and I wanted to be sure that the coach was aware of it.  And I wanted to be sure that he understood why things weren't progressing as he would have liked in most circumstances.  So, I had to figure out when it was my responsibility to speak up for him and when to send him to talk to her for himself.  I'm not sure if I was completely successful.  I started by having him go to her and ask these things but he never came back with satisfactory answers, at least from his perspective.  So, I felt I had to jump in.  I never questioned her actions or her responses.....I just needed to understand so I could pass on this information to my 8 year old son in a way that he could understand.

But I find myself wondering what the coach sees when she looks at me.  Does she recognize the subtle difference between trying to advocate for my son and making sure he understands so he can continue to work or improve?  Or does she see a meddling parent?  And what do Ballerina's and Music Man's (or even Big Brother's) teachers see when I do the same kind of thing during the school year?  All right....you can say that it doesn't matter what they "see" because these are MY children and I know and understand their needs better than anyone.  But if someone sees you as meddlesome, doesn't that change the way that they work with you?  Don't they become more guarded and defensive of their own positions?

So, I'm a "Helicopter Mom".  I know it.  And everyone who deals with me and my children know it.  And I feel I have to be.  I need to advocate for them and therefore I need to know what's going on and what problems they are having.  And, like any parent, I hate to hear of and deal with all of the problems that they have.  But I would like to think that the people who count recognize that I do this out of love for my children and my desire to have them succeed as they grow.  Big Brother is encouraged to go out and stand up for himself.  But he knows I'm there behind him if things don't work out.  I will come to his aid the moment he asks.  And for Ballerina and Music Man, I am stepping in on their behalf for a while longer.

"Helicopter Mom" isn't such a bad title.

When the "Big Bad World" Attacks

I need to vent. I need to get this story out. I need to document a description of a phone call I had earlier today, so when all the dust settles, I can be reminded where it all started. So, if you aren't in the mood for reading a venting post, I understand. Hopefully the next one won't be like that.

This afternoon, I received a phone call from The Academy of Fine Arts. This is the school that Simon takes his music lessons. We started going there in November, 2010 and he has really been VERY successful in their programs. Well, this past Saturday was the start of the new term, and we arrived Saturday afternoon for his Harmony Road 1 class. This is the first in this series and he is now actually learning to play piano. He's learning to read music. He's really on the road to becoming a musician that we as his family know is where he wants to be. We hadn't been at the school since June.

We walk into the classroom. The pianos are different (the silver ones he used all last year [even when he was in this room are no longer there]). There is a different teacher. It's a packed class. There's a different teacher. None of the kids we were with last year are present. There's a new teacher. And the pianos in the back (where we typically sit so if a meltdown occurs, we are slightly more isolated) were taken. And, did I mention it's a different teacher?

The class starts well enough -- he's not behaving perfectly, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then he body drops when the other kids are dancing. I try to pull him up, but accidentally scrape his hand (scratch it hard enough that it's actually bleeding a bit -- he must have caught my ring). That's where it started. He begins to scream. I keep him there for a little while, recognize we have a problem and we go to the bathroom to wash his hands. When we come back, he's still upset and crying emphatically (but no longer really screaming), and we leave the classroom for a few minutes and go for a walk. We walk around the lobby for a few minutes. We walk in the halls for a few minutes. Then we go back into the classroom and Simon does what I feel is fine for the rest of the class. He's doing what's asked of him. He's participating. He does his part at the whiteboard (all right -- he needed a bit of hand-over-hand to draw the circle, but that's not unexpected). When the class was over, I spoke with the teacher and explained that I truly believed that the problems we saw were due to the first class and that this class really is the right one for Simon. And I described his musicality by demonstrating his behavior towards the end of the class showing the power of his ear and being able to mimic the songs that he was hearing on the piano, naming the notes (mi re do on notes other than E, D, C which is how these kids think of these named notes per the earlier classes [note, despite having played piano for YEARS, I have NEVER taught him more than the classes]).

Overall, I didn't think it went pretty bad. In fact, when I came home, I told Kevin (believing this sincerely) that, for a first class, it went quite well!

Well, apparently, I was alone. The office called me today telling me that they received complaints from the other parents. "They couldn't hear the teacher". "A child who can't behave in a classroom shouldn't be in this type of class". Even the teacher had said that she found it difficult to teach with him behaving in this way. The administrator commented that she knows that ALL children have meltdowns from time to time but because of his autism we need to consider pulling him out of this class and going in a different direction. The administrator talked to his teacher from last year (prior to calling me) and the teacher commented that once he had a chance to acclimate last year, he was a wonderful and talented student. This teacher and I discussed his placement for this year as the semester was ending last year and we both agreed that this was the better class for him. And seeing him pick up on everything they were doing, despite his meltdown (which had a distinct cause) tells me that we had made the right decision. The administrator has agreed to give it more time and see if he does better once he "has some time to acclimate to this class".

My instinct -- stand in front of this class on Saturday, tell these parents what they can do with themselves, and walk out, taking my business and money with me. But that won't accomplish ANYTHING. We looked long and hard for a music program for Simon and we found one here. I hate to pull him out just as he's reaching a point where he can make such measurable progress because of the ignorance and impatience of others. So, it's time for me to put on my "Parent Advocate" hat. It's time for me to educate these parents. Before class on Saturday, I plan on explaining to the class that my son is autistic. I plan to remind them that autism is NOT contagious and affects 1 in 70 boys in the United States alone. Simon is more severely affected than many others in many respects, but he is ahead in many other ways. Last week, a specific moment set him off and I will work harder to minimize that happening again. I will seat us in the back of the classroom so that he can be less disruptive and more isolated when and if a meltdown occurs. But he does have meltdowns. He does react to things that go differently than how he is prepared for them to go. And as he understands what is expected, he complies. I plan to mention how he THRIVED in the music classes last year after a week or two and was never the reason that another student or parent couldn't hear the teacher. He always waited his turn (unlike some of his NT classmates) and tried everything that was asked of him. And he made "friends". On Saturday, he walked into a full classroom with no familiar faces other than mine, including the teacher. Over the next couple of weeks, that will change. He loves coming here and this is the class where he belongs.

And I'll keep the comment of "And if you don't like it, you can just )$(@$% it!" to myself.