Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dealing With the Aftermath

Things have been really hard for me the last couple of days. I'd been preparing myself for quite some time (at least 6 weeks) that Rachel and Simon were going to be separated -- there was barely an extremely slim chance that they would rightfully be placed in the same program -- but now that it's happened, I can't seem to deal with it.

When we first visited MPAC, I remember leaving there thinking that MAYBE Rachel will do all right here, but Simon -- this is definitely the place for him. Then we saw CAPP (about 10 minutes later) and I had that same conviction that this was the program that was right for Rachel. At that moment I KNEW that they were going to be going to separate programs (even though all my preschool visits have included [and almost been about] my attempts to try to determine if the program would fit both of my kids together). For 6 weeks I've been telling myself that the committee would see things that way. But, since it hadn't officially happened yet, I kept that slim hope alive that they would see something that I or the team working with the twins hadn't seen. Apparently, I've been counting on that. Now that the expected has happened, I feel like the results of the meetings are wrong.

All right -- that's a bit of an overstatement. I do believe the decisions were right -- MPAC really is a great program for Simon; CAPP is a great program for Rachel and I truly believe they will both thrive in their respective programs. But (and please forgive me if this statement doesn't seem to make sense -- it makes perfect sense to me) right now it feels like I have to sacrifice what is best for THEM in order to address what's the best for each of them. The individual side is more important right now -- they have to learn how to cope with things in general in order to be able to cope with others, including each other. And the good part is that they do have each other to lean on.

But they are staples (and in my opinion necessary ones) for each other -- they help regulate each other to a certain degree. Simon cannot fall asleep at night without feeling his sister right next to him. Even when he wakes up during the night, he needs her closeness to help him settle back to sleep. And we're starting to see this during the day as well in their play. They tend to gravitate towards each other. I wouldn't fully say they "interact", but they do "feel" each other. What will happen to that when they're separated for 7+ hours every day? Will that bond continue to grow or will it be severed?

I can't help it -- they're only going to be 3 years old. At this point, I truly believe that it's intended for twins to be together. I've always said that I may believe some absolutes, but I will look at each situation separately when it comes to my children and make up my mind as to what is truly the best decision, and this time I agree with the above absolute. To that end, I'll debate the pluses and minuses once they are truly school-aged (even though my personal philosophy says to keep them together at least through kindergarten) but they're not even 3 and I feel like I'm FORCING them apart. Every time I think about it, it seems to get worse rather than better.

Again, I KNOW that I need to focus on their individual needs rather than the "twinness" needs for right now. But why do I have to sacrifice one for the other?

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